Cigarettes And Nail Polish

Most of the time, I don't think about my vocabulary. I know Alfonzo and Alan like to "describe" things, but it's not like I need to use big words, or words that Shakespeare would have used. I drink a lot, and I have a lot of fun, and I don't need adjectives and adverbs and all that mess to get the point across.

Point being, tonight, I think I may need a dictionary.

I'm a pretty suave guy, I think. I don't have problems attracting ladies, or just generally looking cool in public, so it may surprise you to know that I bite my nails. I don't just bite them; I whale on them.

I read somewhere, once, that a way to stop biting your nails is to paint them with nail polish. So I rode over to Walgreens to buy some clear nail polish. In the checkout, I picked up a pack of Parliament cigarettes.

I have about one cigarette every week, usually on weekends, usually while I'm drinking. I've grown fond of the nicotine rush; it's like getting dizzy and heavy and sick, jittery and relaxed at the same time. Something in me felt like having that, tonight.

So I sat outside of my dorm, on the ground, reeking of cigarette smoke and painting my nails. I know it's clear nail polish, so only people who pay really close attention will notice it, but it feels weird to have it on my fingers. Even weirder was putting it on, especially where everyone could see me. I thought people would stop and ask me what I was doing, and I'd tell them I was stopping myself from biting my nails. Mostly, people just looked away, or walked by, or said hi and kept walking.

I almost wanted somebody to ask. I felt like they were making assumptions, thinking they know me better than I know myself. No, I'm not a fag, I'm just trying to stop biting my nails.

And I sat there, waiting for them to dry, wishing that someone would just ask what the hell I was doing. And I watched the reflection of the streetlight in the paint, and I blew on them but tried to look masculine while doing it.

There was just something about it. Man, I hate not knowing how to put this into words. It was like I was vibrating, or something. The wind, and it was cool but not cold. I couldn't see the moon, but I know it's full. Fall can't decide if it wants to be here yet, but I think it should be here from this point on. Maybe that's what I felt, Fall sweeping in over me and my shiny new fingernails.

I don't know. I don't know how to say it!

It was an experience. It was that, at least.

There must be something in the air tonight. All sorts of shit seems to be happening all over the place. I hope everything works out, but I feel like the storm is a long way off.

-Chaz