Adventures In Evil

It's just weird, folks. I never would have guessed that Alfonzo and I would join forces in anything. He's so much smarter than I am, and I really always thought that he hated me. He has assured me that whatever negative vibes I've picked up from him are from his "general misanthropy" and "world-weariness". It kinda seems like Alfonzo's glass is a little more than half-empty.

I think I'm doing him good, though. He could really use the stress relief. He's incredibly tense almost all of the time; something to do with hating the world in relative silence, I guess. I think that he thinks too much, but I also think I can help him think less.

We had to go to the Loop to begin phase two of operation "Brody Madness," so I suggested that we do some shots before we go; anyone who has been to the Loop knows that it never hurts to have a few under your belt beforehand. Well, he didn't say anything, but I get the feeling that Alfie isn't a big drinker. I downed my three shots of vodka (illegal import from the Motherland. Thanks, Vlad) before I noticed Alfonzo sipping from the edge of his first one.

The best way to learn anything is through experience. I shoved the shot glass into his mouth and pulled his head back and he coughed and hacked and the glass popped out of his mouth like a cork. I caught it, then Alfonzo bent over with his hands on his knees and wheezed a bit. He asked me what the hell I thought I was doing. I told him that they are called shots for a reason. His second one went down easier, and by the fourth one, he was a pro!

So we wandered down to the Loop, in search of some cheap weed for phase two. We stood out behind the Blockbuster, waiting for the guy to show up. Alfonzo was singing some song by "The Velvet Underground" which he said was about the lead singer waiting around to buy heroin. I told him that maybe he should sing a little quieter.

The guy showed up and we bought some dirt weed (stomped on, full of stems and seeds, and probably laced with something. The sort of stuff you'd only buy for someone else) and then went on our way.

By which I mean, I walked halfway around the building before I figured out that I'd lost Alfonzo. I found him talking to some girls through the windows of Blockbuster. There was some exchange of digits, but I'm not clear on who got whose or really anything that Alfonzo was trying to say. The girls went to check out, and Alfonzo stuck his head in a trashcan for a little while.

I took him home and tucked him in with an alka-selter, some motrin, and a bucket. That was Friday night, and he has not left his room since. I've knocked a couple times, and he groaned back so we know he's alive. I guess that's all we can do, if he won't open the door.

I think he'll look back on this and laugh. Or at least not vomit.

-Chaz