Strange Package

So my boxes came, and soon this place will be looking like Chaz's pad should. But that's not the strange thing.

In with my boxes was a shoebox, wrapped a few times in duct tape, then postmarked on every visible surface. Most of the languages on the box are waaaay out there, like with different letters and that whole deal. Alan said that the box had been through France, Spain, and a whole lot of other countries. Apparently one of the really weird postmarks was from Russia, so we figure the box must be Vlad's.

A few hours go by. We've called Vlad, and he's not answering or his phone is off. We called the airport, and if he's there, he hasn't asked anyone for help. In short, we have no idea where he is.

The Al's went to dinner, and I said I was going later, just so they'd leave me here alone. I cut open the duct tape and open the box and...

It is full of condoms. Full to the brim, because I dumped it out to see if there was something underneath the condoms. A heap of little foil wrappers plopped on the ground, followed by a brochure that must have been stuck to the bottom. I can't read what it says, but I'm not sure I want to. It's just a bunch of Russian squiggles, and about ten of the most disgusting pictures you've ever seen. I'm talking Vagina meets Maggots. I'm talking Pus, Piss, Extra Holes.... I can't tell if it's a flyer on STDs or crazy fetishes, or both.

Anyway, I snagged a couple of the condoms, cause I figure how's he going to notice three or four missing? I've got to get my scanner hooked up so I can keep a copy of that brochure, too. That's the sort of thing you have to see to believe.

-Chaz

I Effing Love College

I flew in from Cali yesterday afternoon. I met up with Alan and Alfonzo, and they said that Vlad might actually be lost, either in Europe or in the St. Louis airport. No sweat, though. Vlad's the sort of guy who is kinda always lost, but manages to find his way anyway. Like Mr. Magoo, or something.

Anyway, I chilled in the suite for a while. None of my boxes have arrived, and the Al's couldn't bring any big stuff in the car, so we're left with a pretty shitty setup, for now. I'll get some posters going, and then maybe my lava-lamp.

The suite, though, is AWESOME! I took a shower this morning, and it was like a shower at a nice hotel; hot water, good water pressure, clean environment. It's so much better than the showers in Ruby. Poor freshmen, but then again, they ARE freshmen.

Oh yeah, and we're much closer to food than I was last year. I haven't tried this out, but I think that I could literally roll out of bed, roll out of my room, roll into the elevator, and finally roll to breakfast. I wonder if they'll make me stand up to order.

Anyway, I left the suite and met up with some of my bros from Ruby, and we all went to this Architecture party on Pershing. There was a keg, but who has time for beer on the first night back? I needed liquor, but all we could find was Dr. MacGillicuddy's Mentholmint Schnapps. Don't get me wrong, it got us drunk. But I don't want a reputation for drinking pussy drinks. At least it wasn't pink, and there were no miniature umbrellas involved.

Well, if anything happened after the MacGillicuddy's, I don't remember it. I think we can assume that I had a great night. I haven't found any puke this morning, so it might even have been an incredible night. Maybe someone will remember.

-Chaz

Welcome To The World Of Chaz

Yeah, so, my friend Jesse and I were watching his fish and talking. You know, about why they don't flip onto their backs until they die, or why salt is iodized, or the difference between wine and everclear with cranberry juice in it. And I launched into a story about all the sexxxy ladies I'm going to chill with this semester. And he told me that instead of wasting my stories on him, I should post them on the internet. It's brilliant! The perfect way to preserve my insight and wit, by sparing myself the burden of savage retellings!

So, this is it.

-Chaz