Brokeback Maintenance Man

So I walk out of my building today and bend over to unlock my bicycle. I see one of Wash U's many fine maintenance men walking by, and he's looking right at me. I finish unlocking the bike and look up to find him just standing there. He grins and says "You know, I've got a partner who looks just like you."

I say, "It's cause of the hair, isn't it?" as I start rolling my bike past him. As I do so, he begins walking in stride with me.

"The hair, and the shortness," he said. I complained that I wasn't that short, just a little below average.

And so then this guy gives me his fucking gay love story. I woke up like 5 minutes before this happened, and my head felt like shit because I think I'm getting sick, and this random guy comes up and tells me that I look just like some guy he's gay with? Not before I drink my coffee, dude.

Total Oscar material. These guys met in the Army, and they retired at the same time and moved to the same city. Guy says he's got a girlfriend, and that his man's got a girlfriend, and that their girlfriends both suspect something. And I'm trying to slowly slip away so I can go to class, and this guy keeps walking with me and talking more and more, and I'm like "Dude, I don't want to know all this!" but I didn't say that, of course.

Out of nowhere come these four white maintenance guys, and suddenly Mr. I Wanna Get Faggy With You shuts up and lights a cigarette. I wait for some sort of dismissal, and when he doesn't say anything, I just get on my bike and ride away.

What the fuck?! Do I look like I want to hear things like that? "Hey kid, you look like my fucking gay lover. You know what that means?" It means I'm gonna be late for class, asshole.

Not Feeling It

I dunno. I say that a lot, don't I?

I dunno. I'm just not feeling it anymore. Things are getting more complicated as time goes on. All of a sudden, I'm not just talking about banging random freshmen and prefrosh. I'm talking about real problems and emotions and shit?!

And this sort of thing is new. So sure, writing a couple times a week about how dumb and funny my life is was one thing, but I haven't got a clue how to talk about, I dunno, feelings, I guess.

I'll be back in LA in less than 20 days, and then what? As little work as I do at Wash U, I really don't have much of a life outside of this place. Am I supposed to get a job? Am I supposed to watch TV and get fat? Maybe just hang out at the beach picking up anything that bends over far enough?

I mean fuck! This is the sort of shit that I expect from Alfonzo or Alan, but not the Chaz!! I've crossed the line between selfishness and self-absorbedness, and let me tell you, there's no reason to sit around complaining. It doesn't fix anything.

Maybe I should take a page out of Alfonzo's book, find a cause to support. I mean, I'm not asking for Alan to start poisoning people so I can pledge to stop him (no offense, Alfonzo, but it sure takes a lot to get you up in arms). I just need a life. Something I can do, other than be Chaz.

Cause being Chaz isn't much fun these days.

Should've Been A Math Major

I'm so fucking hungry, everybody. Like, you have no idea. I'm not even stoned or anything, because I'm writing this during class. I had an egg, ham and cheese croissant about 15 minutes ago, and it must have digested on impact because I'm soooo goddamn hungry I could strip the bark right off the desk and eat it; figure it would digest slower.

And yes, The Chaz is alive. No tornado, hailstorm or thunder can hold me back. It's just all this homework.

Oh, what? The Chaz can do homework occasionally, and it just so happens to be one of those months. It's my professors' fault; I'm still making up for the work I didn't do over Spring Break.

Spring Break, man. There's some bullshit right there. Blake wasn't around, which is probably best for him, but I got some face time with Dave and Cody, and maybe I learned something.

So I have to ask, and raise your hands for this one, who hasn't slept with Blake? I understand that it's hard to find gay guys who aren't enormous sketchballs, and that the opportunity for a no-commitment lay with a trustworthy guy is hard to come by. I get it; nobody understands the no-commitment lay like ol' Chazzy, but that's not what has me so fucked up about all of this.

The no-co lay is an art form, balancing hotness, willingness and the chance of ever seeing her again.

It looks like this :

Hotness is on the standard -10 to +10 scale, -10 being unfuckable and +10 being unfuckingbelievable.
Willingness is on a -2 to +2 scale, -2 being "where's the bartender?" and +2 being "where's the bed?"
You basically have to guess your chance of running into her again, but a 5% chance looks like :

The number you aim for is up to you, but usually it's based on the size of your balls.
Here are some examples.

#1. That monstrously hot girl in one of your lecture classes starts flirting with you at a party. She's a +7 for hotness, an estimated +1 for willingness, and maybe a 50% chance of running into her again (I figure there's about a 50% chance of me not showing up for that lecture for the rest of the term). Plug it in.

#2. She's below average, about a -3. But damn, she's really digging you, so a +2 there. And you never would have noticed her if you weren't drunk, so a 1% down there. Plug it in.

#3. Curveball for you. -6 hotness, +1 willingness, and she's in every one of your goddamn classes, so 100%. Plug it in.

#4. Same deal, only she's a prefrosh, so there's only a 12% chance that she'll get in, minus 50% because freshman don't have classes with Juniors. Plug it in.

You get the idea. The point is that fucking people you see often isn't a good idea, and so I don't know what Dave and Cody were thinking when they slept with Blake. Alan... well, I'm not happy about it, but at least there's only like a 3% chance of them ever seeing each other again. A +7 for hotness and a +2 for willingness, and it makes total sense. But Dave and Cody have like a 10,000% chance of seeing Blake again.

Oh, and don't forget to multiply everything by the Chaz Factor.

That's all I've got to say.

-Chaz